My wife and I have been married for 2 years last month. For a while now I have been into the idea of cuckolding. I watched cuckold porn for months and it was (and still is) incredibly arousing to me. I talked to several people online about it as well. I finally worked up the courage to ask my wife to do it before our anniversary. She was reluctant because she thought it would end badly but I kept pushing because I knew that I liked it and eventually she agreed.
We found a few guys online, and after finding the right one we went through with it last week. He was a very attractive guy - 6' tall, muscular, big dick - everything every guy wishes they had. When he came over I opened the door and we talked for a little while and then I introduced my wife. We went to the bedroom and I sat on the couch while he started to kiss her neck and undress her. He pushed her onto the bed, took off her panties and started eating her out. They were both loving it and so was I. Then he took his pants off and got on top of her and after kissing her for a little while he pinned her hands over her head and penetrated her; she moaned deeply. It was at this moment that my stomach dropped; hot to cold in a millisecond. I very quickly realized that when I was watching cuckold porn, I wasn't getting off on being the cuck, I was getting off on being the bull. I felt sick, but I didn't know what to do; they were already fucking. I sat there, saying nothing. Luckily, after a few minutes, he finished. After it was all done, I rushed him out, told her to get cleaned up and I went to get some chinese food. I sat in my car crying for 20 minutes until it was ready and then went home and pretended nothing was wrong.
For the past week I have been doing my best to clench my teeth and try to forget about it, but I can't. The way she moaned, the way she grabbed him, the way she looked at him. I cannot get it out of my head. Knowing that I actually let another man, let alone a guy who's much more masculine and attractive than myself, fuck my wife makes me sick to my stomach.. I honestly want to kill myself and it seems like the best solution right now. I genuinely can't look at myself in the mirror without feeling disgusted. The worst part is that it's completely my fault. I don't know what to do. I really really need some advice. I've never felt this hopeless before.